What happened to me?

I used to be happy.
Not just happy, overjoyed. Completely, overflowingly, un-containably happy. even I was amazed at how happy I was capable of being. I couldn't ever even remember the last time I'd cried. My life was imperfect but I LOVED it. Relished every challenge, adored everything and everyone, I had endless energy, enthusiasm, patience with people. I was excited for work, to prove myself. I even s smiled when I cried. It wasn't normal, but it was wonderful.
What happened to me? I cry almost every day now. I hate to, almost can't admit, how far I've gone from who I used to be. I don't even feel capable of that kind of happiness anymore. I'm a shadow of that girl. I'm not proud to be me anymore. I'm not excited for the future because I feel destined to fail. I'm ashamed of how often I'm unhappy, and that makes me even more unhappy. I see old friends every day, scared that they'll compare me to the way they used to know me. That they'll see. That they won't want to know me anymore. I can't even put it in words. And that's the clincher. That's who I am now. Unable to put my unorganized, mess of feelings into eloquent words. Ultimate degradation.

I don't know how I got this way.
And I don't know how to get back.

It's funny

how one good day can make you realize that you're taking life too seriously. Sometimes you need to chill out and realize that this moment IS your life and if you're spending it in a downward spiral of stress, you're wasting it. I am going to be happy and grateful because I have SO much to be grateful for. I have parents who love me and bail me out when I get in too deep, I have siblings who are always there to set a good example and help me out, I have room mates who I adore and trust and enjoy living with, I have sweet horses who are worth every penny and every time I haven't had enough money because they needed new shoes. I have a cat that's more like a kid, a boyfriend who doesn't make me worry, stress, who doesn't hurt me and just loves me, in every moment that I don't even love myself. I'm surrounded by people who make my life worth living every day, who show me adventures, who listen when I'm feeling less than adventurous, who understand more than I could ever have expected and who show me more kindness than I deserve, I live beautiful, in all it's chaos and mess, and I will remember that when I'm having a glass half empty day. You can't have a rainbow without any rain.

Pressure

Sometimes I feel completely surrounded. I feel like the pressure building around me can only get heavier and I want to run. I visualize it like the pressure deep in the ocean, in the darkest depths of the sea where the squid lives and the pressure would kill you. This is the area where I picture a sunken ship- a ghost of failures past. Other times I see a swirl of images. My sister losing her house, my brother as his job gets closed down, my cousin as the father of her child leaves her at fifteen, the sickening swirl of chapters I haven't read, plants that needed to be watered, bills that I can't pay with money I don't have, me in the future, never having chosen a career, never loved my work, never helped anyone, never successful, living paycheck to paycheck hoping to make enough. It paralyzes me and all I can do is lay in bed-terrified of things I can't even wrap my mind around. Things that aren't solid. An overtone say it will be alright. But the pounding, swirling baritone beneath is drowns it out and swirls on. And I can only go deeper into this ocean.