Not Myself

Really, honestly, this is not me.
It kills me that this is the first impression some people will have of me.
Stressed and exhausted constantly.
I don't know how to be this. I don't know how to not be ashamed of being unhappy.
I need to turn this around, but I can't do that until I immerse myself in it and feel it and embrace it, and then I can leave it; This much I have learned from past turbulence. This is not something I want to immerse myself in though, so I am fighting it. I am ashamed that I can't just suck it up and tough it out, when my problems are small hindrances compared to those of others. "Problems" is not even a word that I feel comfortable using in description of what I have. I don't actually have a word, no matter how hard I search, not a single one seems entirely appropriate.

I guess, this is just my form of apology, for not being the person I I have always been, and the person I owe to you to be.
I guess, I don't even write for myself anymore, but to apologize and explain and project what I want you to see. If I knew no one would ever, ever see, what would I write? What would I say?

And here, even this adds to my growing sink hole of things. For lack of a better word, things is the only one mundane enough.
I am so worried about making time for everyone, for making everything better for everyone, about being what everyone else needs me to be that I can't even begin my own "things". And I'm blogging to make myself feel better, thereby, procrastinating the homework that is wearing at me.

I have one dollar, an empty house, a horse to feed, and a family in south dakota.
I do not know how to be self sufficient.
All I have is faith, and I stand by that as the strongest weapon against all that life throws at you. Without faith; hope; ambition; you are where you are. And you will stay there. I have to keep the faith, keep hoping and dreaming, and acting on those dreams.
And in certain moments, that makes everything better.
But it's like a building underwater; the pressure will crush you if you don't fortify it with something more.

Of course, the perfect song to describe my current state is by none other than John Mayer. He sings my soul.

John Mayer - Not myself

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around, come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

My grace
My self
Not myself, my myself and I...
When I'm someone else
When I'm someone else
When I'm someone else
When I'm not myself
Myself
Myself

I guess what I want to know is
Would you want me when I'm not myself?