"deserve"

Generally, it's music that makes sense of the world for me.
Driving home from class today, once verse in particular sent me down another path:
"Each day is a gift and not a given right."

Somewhere along the line, we have gotten the idea that we "deserve" certain things out of life. That we deserve to live an easy, comfortable life, feeling as if we own each day and it should provide to us, like an employee of sorts. Somewhere along the line, this feeling of ownership came back to bite us, with the realization that we cannot expect the world to provide simply because we "deserve" it. The residents at my work always say "Every day that I wake up again is a good day" when asked how they are. The simple act of waking up every morning is not even something to be expected, earned or deserved. This ability, in itself is a gift, and I plan to start each morning from now on being grateful for that gift.

Without the expectation that you "deserve" things out of life, you are free to be grateful for every good thing that comes you way as an unexpected surprise, not as something adding up to fill your quota of the good things you deserve. Realize that we, as the general population of humans, have made enough mistakes, that we really deserve nothing. Even those who are "essentially good people" who expect to have Karma repay them, if you have that expectation, you have gone into the good acts expecting reward, with impure motives. The world is full of kind people, but not one of them "deserves" the perfect life, and not one will ever lead it. Every kind act toward us, every happy "coincidence", sunny day, every "good day" is more than we deserve. Let that overwhelm you with happiness and gratefulness. We have so much more than we deserve.


(On that note, I am calm again. "All I know is, I'm going to be alright." This is my attempt, I won't always get it right, but here's to trying.)

Not Myself

Really, honestly, this is not me.
It kills me that this is the first impression some people will have of me.
Stressed and exhausted constantly.
I don't know how to be this. I don't know how to not be ashamed of being unhappy.
I need to turn this around, but I can't do that until I immerse myself in it and feel it and embrace it, and then I can leave it; This much I have learned from past turbulence. This is not something I want to immerse myself in though, so I am fighting it. I am ashamed that I can't just suck it up and tough it out, when my problems are small hindrances compared to those of others. "Problems" is not even a word that I feel comfortable using in description of what I have. I don't actually have a word, no matter how hard I search, not a single one seems entirely appropriate.

I guess, this is just my form of apology, for not being the person I I have always been, and the person I owe to you to be.
I guess, I don't even write for myself anymore, but to apologize and explain and project what I want you to see. If I knew no one would ever, ever see, what would I write? What would I say?

And here, even this adds to my growing sink hole of things. For lack of a better word, things is the only one mundane enough.
I am so worried about making time for everyone, for making everything better for everyone, about being what everyone else needs me to be that I can't even begin my own "things". And I'm blogging to make myself feel better, thereby, procrastinating the homework that is wearing at me.

I have one dollar, an empty house, a horse to feed, and a family in south dakota.
I do not know how to be self sufficient.
All I have is faith, and I stand by that as the strongest weapon against all that life throws at you. Without faith; hope; ambition; you are where you are. And you will stay there. I have to keep the faith, keep hoping and dreaming, and acting on those dreams.
And in certain moments, that makes everything better.
But it's like a building underwater; the pressure will crush you if you don't fortify it with something more.

Of course, the perfect song to describe my current state is by none other than John Mayer. He sings my soul.

John Mayer - Not myself

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around, come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

My grace
My self
Not myself, my myself and I...
When I'm someone else
When I'm someone else
When I'm someone else
When I'm not myself
Myself
Myself

I guess what I want to know is
Would you want me when I'm not myself?

Breakdown.

I am constantly on the verge of some sort of breakdown.
And unable to talk to someone who will make it better.
And it's getting consistently harder to help everyone else with their problems the deeper into this I get.

I used to be able to turn anything into something good.
And I still can, but it doesn't soak through me anymore.
When did this become my life?