Try again

Your life's work: Redo it.

Reshaping

The words in my head, even those form to you. Scrambling, they reshape and reform, over and over. As if my brain can be lastingly molded to you. As if I can fit you in my head. as if that will fit you in my heart. As if that means I'll be in yours.

Pick your Victory

Feel; Don't feel,
The war unhinges,
Victory is fleeting.

Move.

Stale beer and empty coffee cups;
We were told there is more than this.
Life to create, homes to build, a future.
We are always working towards something. In the future, we are sure, we will reach this goal, (We have long forgotten what it is, but still we struggle)
And so we sit in stagnance. Here we wait for the epiphany. The moment that all the things we've been told, been taught, all the things we've read, the great movies of romance and adventure, make sense.
We do what we've been told; we study, we read, we work; stagnant. Stale. Empty.


All there is is movement.
The ballet of the cars as they come together and part again,
That parallel ourselves, as we come together and fall apart again.

The slow roll of the waves across the ocean before they collide with the Earth, and reverse,
To collide with the other end, and come back again.

And here we sit, in the still limbo of waiting, always waiting, for something to set us in motion, something to tell you: This is your great adventure. Your time of lingering in coffee shops, waiting for life to catch up and sweep you away is over.

This is that something. This is that moment. The great wave of life won't suddenly and magically sweep you away, but compel you to chase it. Hunt. Search. Move.

Hollywood invented this.

What is love?
A status?
A feeling?
An action?

Hollywood induced mayhem.

In all the world, all that truly exists is that yellow tree.
Just one tree in all of existence.
Your existence is questionable,
Mine futile,
All I know that I love is that tree.

Blank

I have never been good at beginnings,

All I can see is that yellow tree

All I can feel is that numb

And I don't know how to end.

Some kind of magic

It's ethereal, other worldly, some kind of magic,
It's some kind of magic that in all the swirling insanity of street lights and people, here you are with me, in the midst of it all; with me.
After everything has been broken, here we are, in what was built from the ruins- something stronger. The creaking swing sets whisper the story, quick breaths, quicker heart beats, the break. That great wall, the thunderous toppling, collapse, detachment. The ruins of a broken city, birthing an empire who's predictions and possibilities seemed to be of myth. Here births the magic. Here, I find you.

Survival instincts

Fight the instincts,
That have sustained life,
Taken life,
Fight or Flight,
(Don't) Run.

Bright

There has always been the same amount of color,
It was just brighter before.

Forgive and Forget

"You have to forgive to forget, and forget to feel again."


Sometimes I think you also have to forget in order to forgive.
It's a misshapen circle, but I can work with it.

Glass

But long after you've broken everything,
Surrounded by the shattered glass and silence,
The shards shimmer in the dull lighting and threaten to pierce again,
And nothing has been gained, save for a few scars and a memory of a time when you had to pick up all those pieces as well, or else tread lightly around them until they dissipate with time.

Raw Spot

"You are a raw spot on my heart," she told him, and through his cool face, she saw he'd always known it would be this way, and wondered why he'd let that happen when the control of everything else in the whole world was in his hands.

I Wrote This For You

"I need you to understand something. I wrote this for you. I wrote this for you and only you. Everyone else who reads it, doesn't get it. They may think they get it, but they don't. This is the sign you've been looking for. You were meant to read these words."

-http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/



Me too.

The brightest, dimmed.

Of your betrayal the wounds left behind a proud face whisper.
Consummate the loss of faith; your artistry in dissimulation, with quick erasure of history, as though the moments never happened, as though nothing was lost, for lack of existence. And I, moonstruck for remembering "false" happenings. Eager naivety pervading my perceptions, shepherding my pure trust in you. The absolute faith so strong as to warrant sacrifice and risk, anything-everything to preserve you.
You, who in your courting captivated my every attention, soothed my every fear and brightened every shadow with your careful reassurances; in turn, capturing more of myself than ever has been entrusted to another, then taking that bit in a slow deliquescence, and fading away, without so much as an admittance to any aberration from the past.
You, the brightest and I, so easily forgotten.

Parallels

How quickly we rush to the aid of someone who has been hurt, jump to their defense, furious at he who caused her pain, vengeful, lashing out.
Just as quickly the roles are reversed. That same defender is the one who causes pain, blinded to the parallel of the pain he causes to that which infuriates him when he hears tell of it from those he loves. Human blindness makes a farce of that fierce protection; that platonic ideal of chivalric deeds and protection which human error and self serving nature prevent from existence without hypocrisy.

Adventures, here I come!

Spring is HERE, and everything is going to be more than alright. It's going to be FANTASTIC!
Hellooo, spring break, so nice to meet you, I'm sure we'll be best friends by the end of the week.
:)

Reaching out for the words of others to express my own feelings

Allow me for a moment, to use the words of others to express myself.


"For stung with inward rage, he flings around,
And strives t'avenge that which gave the wound.
But love those eager bitings does restrain,
And mingling pleasure mollifies the pain.
For ardent hope still flatters anxious grief,
And sends him to his foe to seek relief:
Which yet the nature of the thing denies;
For Love, and love alone of all our joyes
By full possesion does but fan the fire,
The more we enjoy the more we still desire."
-John Dryden

"I'll never know why a man with all the love his heart can stand,
dreams of ways to throw it all away.
It's wanting more, that's gonna bring me to my knees."
-John Mayer

"You touch my skin, and then you think, yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me."
-Death Cab

"GO. If you want to leave me, I want you to."


And this is about where I'm at:
"Resorting to connecting the dots this morning because it was a long night & he needs to do something really simple to get started again."
-Brian Andreas

Please

This emotional roller coaster of a week is almost over, and I'm so ready for break.
So much has happened in such a short amount of time, it's dizzying.
And if you're done, please just tell me.
You won't break me, I promise.
I've got things to do in this life, and I won't waste it moping.
I'll be more than okay.

Implode;Explode

I am losing my cool.
I'm bottling and bottling and bottling and studying and compressing and it's building pressure and I am going to lose it. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know that I can't do this forever. Maybe I won't explode. maybe I'll just implode. Sit on my bed all day and stare at the wall. Maybe I'll just numb and you won't even notice, and I'll go about like nothing ever goes wrong. Maybe I just need to EXPLODE, safely, and let it all out. Make a lot of noise, cause a scene, purge it from my system, then go back to serenity with a clear mind. All the places I used to run to have shifted, like a maze where walls close off when you're not looking and suddenly the way out isn't the way you came in anymore. All my safe spots, my comforts, they don't look the same, or they've gone away, beyond my reach, cold. Empty spaces where they used to stand. Sunshine denies me, face turned away from me, I am not defeated, I am not conquered. But I am weary, worn and battered. I don't know where I can still run, where arms are open waiting, and where the ground has grown cold, with an inviting numb, calling, calling. If tomorrow continues this pattern the numb will call stronger, but I will resist as the sirens' call. I will rise, stronger, but here in this moment, I am lost. Come walk with me, lead me, follow me, walk hand in hand, and in this balance, find our way.

Embers of Oblivion

Bottle it up,
Embers of incense burn,
Diffusing sweetly scented oblivion into the stagnant air,
Take the burning embers inside,
And bottle them up.
Oh, precious, how precious,
Set those burning embers aside,
Reach out for oblivion.

Come, be free.

The still of the silence is penetrating. It seeps slowly within, a slow high, spreading throughout, traveling, fexpanding; illuminating dark recesses that have lain dormant, forgotten, muffled. It overwhelms with a peace and a power that substantiate each other like Yin and Yang. Here, the glassy salt water blends with the iridescent sky-scape, reflecting off one another until they seem to meld together as one continuous prism, and are all the more significant for their union.

The low hum of a passing motor boat and the swooping of a gull break the silence, and water laps up against the edge of the dock- heavy with the weight of years of salty sea brine. Thick and worn and sturdy. At twilight, this is a place of solitude, of thought and awakening. Something in thaw powerful depths of that water stirs something deep inside. It speaks of freedom and risk and power and danger.

"Come," it whispers. "Leave the land behind and come away. Be free."

This is the essence of these docks. Just a taste of freedom. A place to dip your toes and dream. Here, at the edge of the earth, is an overwhelming image of what could be.

Other days they are filled with happy yells of teenaged sailors in matching red shirts trooping down the docks to their thursday night meeting to sail the bay and plan the adventures they will have; the places they will go, things they will see, what they will accomplish. These days the docks are a shelter for growth and excitement, and as always, an escape. A portal, perhaps. Like a magic door. A passage to another world. Yes, these docks are much more than simple wood planks stretched out over the water. So much more than the lines that tether the boats to those planks, and so much more than the chain link fence separating them from the city. They are something beyond their physical form; where two worlds meet and extend into small connections to each other, creating skin deep ties, but speaking naught of the depths of their worlds, only whispering, whispering of secrets and awakenings. Whispering, "Come in." And the dock is still.

Brian Andreas

I think I'm drawn to the quotes, sayings, stories that I relate to, that I dream of, that say something I want you to understand, that define what I want to be. These all mean something bigger than their words. Can you imagine what?


"When she played her music even the night demons stopped their work & it took them some time to remember what it was they were doing & the best of them had no stomach for it for a long time after that."


"I'm an outsider by choice, she said, but I'm hoping that won't be my choice forever."

"They came to sit & dangle their feet off the edge of the world & after awhile they forgot everything but the good & true things they would do someday."

"You have to not care either way about it, she told me, & when you wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety attacks, it's best to lie & say it's because you thought you heard something downstairs"

"In those days, we finally chose to walk like giants & hold the world in arms grown strong with love & there may be many things we forget in the days to come, but this will not be one of them."
"The thing about money is you can't think about it too much, he told me, or you won't sleep at night & you get dark circles under your eyes & nothing seems fun any more. I told him it was that way with a lot of things & he nodded & said, yeah, but with money it makes sense."


"She seemed to move everywhere dancing & music followed her like leaves on the wind."


"I saw them standing there pretending to be just friends, when all the time in the world could not pry them apart."


"We sat in the car & the night dropped down until the only sounds were the crickets & the dance of our voices & for a moment the world became small enough to roll back & forth between us."


"I promise you not a moment will be lost as long as I have heart & voice to speak & we will walk again together with a thousand others & a thousand more & on & on until there is no one among us who does not know the truth: there is no future without love."


"She laid on my chest & her breathing filled me almost to beyond what I could hold."


"It's hardest to love the ordinary things, she said, but you get lots of opportunities to practice."

"Impossible yoga position but she likes to have goals that no one else can imagine, so they'll shut up about how they understand exactly what she's going through"

"When she played her music even the night demons stopped their work & it took them some time to remember what it was they were doing & the best of them had no stomach for it for a long time after that."

"I will always remember the day the sun shone dark on your hair & I forgot where we were & kissed you lightly on the nose & suddenly there was no more secret."


"When I first met him, I knew in a moment I would have to spend the next few days re-arranging my mind so there'd be room for him to stay."


"liking each other because it's a beautiful day & it seems like a waste of time to disagree about stuff the other one is refusing to change out of sheer stubbornness"

"In the heart of the world there is a place that holds the secret names of the rocks & the trees & all the children of the earth & around it gather women & men who hold it dear & each night they stand together to keep it safe for as long as it takes till morning comes & no matter what you have been told, this will always be so, in the heart of the world."


"He sneaked through the world like night itself & never gave himself a chance to love."


"I asked her why she never told us about the Ten Commandments & she said she wasn't ever that good with numbers so she loved everything as best she could & I remember thinking who needs all those rules anyway with a mother like her around."






www.storypeople.com

I will

I can make myself be happy in any circumstance, and I will.
No matter where I end up, who I end up being there with, I will find a way to be happy.
There's just certain things I'd rather not fight through.
Fight to be happy without.
Some battles I'd like to opt out of.
I will fight, and I will succeed,
But I'd rather not have to.
I've had a taste.
I'd rather not forget.

.

Even the ocean leans on the earth.

This awakening in me is of you. Something dormant. Something strong. Some flow of electromagnetivity more powerful than any surging rogue wave and so far beyond my capacity to control that I just let it crash over me, pulling me under, out of control- the most bittersweet immersion in a world I've never known, like the place where the waves crash into the earth-crashing, thundering, melding, two worlds seemingly meeting in a power struggle, only to find that they were joined all along-the earth stretching out under the salty embodiment of power, its source of support to lay it's weight on, for after all, even the ocean needs to earth to lean on.

Quest

My mind's eye, engulfed, as a crystal ball to plunge in, head first, and watching, This third person view, detached but so very connected is my home here, where I only vaguely exist, a shadow, only watching, only seeing:
Running, wandering pointedly, looking, searching,
Through the woods, the dark underbrush, a sky blocked from view,
Vines threaten, twist, eager,
This quest, you will conquer, as you unfailingly conquer all,
Then let that sweet voice of comfort lead you here,
There will be rest.

Simplicity; Scattered

Waiting, yes I am waiting,
There will be a day,
Of all healing,
And hope no longer carried on the wings of a dove, will rest in our hands,
And I am waiting for this day,
As I am waiting for you,
As I will wait for you.

I Can Relate

"There has been none brighter than you.."

Of you, in my mind, there is no equal. No parallel line to be drawn, none so bright as to steal your shine;

Though the cities, oh, their call is strong, and their lights glowing fluorescent and neon, reflecting stars and hope in the eyes of of determination-here to make a name, and again, to the water, all peace and power and dazzling reverence of the artistry of the lights blurred and bright- like the impressionists canvas of the light-scape.

And the stars, Diamonds of the night, sprayed out across the sky by the millions; light and power soaring across the raw expanse of shimmering blackness to pinprick the sky above my head.

Through all the flashbulbs; every blinding, spotlight shone center stage, still I have seen none so bright as you.

No iridescence, no blazing fire,

Nothing shines for me like you.

Let's get lost

Illumination

The sun's rays feel faintly warm on my face; a promise of warmth and light to come. I am overcome by the joy of this promise- The joy of today, the simple sunlight on my face and the way it lightens the sidewalks and makes the trees glow. The sunlight and the warm air swirl together and soak into me, illuminating emotions that have lain dormant in the dark recesses for months on end. The brightness within me cannot be contained.

Awakening

The air outside is intoxicating. Sunlight happily whispers of spring- no longer a distant myth, but a dream from a past life awakening once again. Warm, soft air caresses my skin, soothing the wounds that the biting winter winds have left behind.

The soft air and whispering sunlight come together and fill the empty spots within me-leaving bubbling, giddy happiness where blank pages once were; I feel whole and new. Fresh as the spring sun. I am warming and waking to the sun's sweet touch, as the ocean on an august day, and when it all crashes into me, I am lost in day dreams.